Is it just me or is everything in life easier said than done? Everything that I tell myself I’m going to do never actually happens. I want to be able to start working out more, eating a little bit healthier or even putting more money away to a tax free savings account. Last year has been a hard time with sticking with goals. I’m done with wishing, and wanting to start and actually will START DOING.
My boyfriend has been nothing but patient and understanding towards my depression that has worsened from years and years untreated. Staying angry and hopeless with my life has made me a worse person. I smoked a lot of weed. I really did. Like to the point where I didn’t know who I was anymore. I used to tell myself that weed was a way for me to ease my depression but all it did was worsen it. I’m not against weed but I am against using it when you’re trying to battle depression on your own. This method will not help you get better. It will make you feel good for a couple of hours and make you think you’re happier, but all it does is make you lazy and unmotivated. You might think, “Oh this girl must be smoking the wrong bud” It’s not. I used weed for all the wrong reasons and with a wrong mindset. I would always be high to social things or feel the need to get high before going to meet new people. I even felt like I had to smoke weed for my boyfriend because I was feeling so insecure. I lost a lot of friends. I lost a lot of dignity. I was lost. I didn’t think that people would like me because I feel so awkward or feeling like I’ve done so many bad things in my life that I don’t deserve to be loved or liked. I didn’t want to face the pain I caused my self and all the choices I made in the past. It’s still hard for me think about everything I did in life.
My depression really hit hard. I became SO ANGRY. I would cry at night and scream whenever someone tried to help me. I stopped keeping in contact with my good friends back at home and I stopped caring about my looks, my weight, my health. I wasted money because I would buy food all time and not save. I was just miserable. I denied a lot of the truth. I would sit on my bed, smoke a bowl and just eat. Clothes started to get smaller and my jeans started to get tighter. I just wanted to escape this world. I wanted to get into a world where everything stayed the same – It was like I was still 22 and wanted to re do my life, but knowing that each day went by… the more I’m losing it. I would just stare at the mirror and look at myself and who I have become. My skin got worse and worse as I developed eczema and stopped caring or it. I also started getting allergies (I know it wasn’t to weed – that’s another blog post) and because everything was going downhill… My muscles started to ache and my hair grew longer and uncared for and to make things worse…I would get high and stalk beautiful women on Instagram. I would get high and pretend I was still thin. I was still 22 and healthy because when I was 22 all I had to deal with was a bad relationship. I didn’t have to deal with bad skin or my allergies now. I didn’t have to deal with the fact I was completely alone now and not to mention in a new city and feeling like I had no one to rely on.
It’s hard to think you’re the worst person when you’re also so incredibly in love with someone who you feel like you found at the wrong time. It’s hard to want to have it altogether so you can feel worth it to someone who you know is more perfect than you are.
The act of forgiving yourself is the hardest thing you’ll ever do.