Today has been quite the roller coaster. There has been so many emotional moments, lots of ups and downs with nothing but confusion. I’m feeling like total shit to be honest.
What do you do when your head and heart tell you different things? Which one do you follow? Which one is the one that will give you the satisfaction you want and need? It’s quite the given that I’m quite in touch with my emotions. What i mean by that is that when I feel something, I can’t stop feeling it until I appropriately deal with it whether I feel happy or sad.
Love is a probably the most powerful emotion out there. It can really make you do things that you’d never do and that is good and bad. Love makes things happen.
I’ve grown up a lot this year. i’ve been through intense stuff i would never wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy… anyways, what I wanted to talk about is the confusion on whether you know if you’re in love or not…
This sucks. What i feel is anxiety, fearfulness, sadness, downhearted but I also feel excited, hopeful, desire and happiness all at the same time. It’s like I never wanted to feel this way until I was 100% ready to want it but it happened anyway, . It’s not an easy feeling. It’s hard. I’ve actually never felt this way before and it scares the fuck out of me.
He gives me chills. He will never know that the things I do for him isn’t just me being generous and kind, but it’s because I truly want him to be happy and I’ve said this before, I truly believe he deserves it. However at the same time I question why I do the things I do because I’ve never done this before.. allowing my walls to come fully down, especially now. I question on where his head is. I don’t want things to be super serious but I don’t want things to be super easy either, like I don’t want the pressure of being in a serious relationship to stress me but he does this thing where he makes me want to make him happy. I think it’s a mixture between what I want and what I’m confused about what he wants because I don’t 100% know.
Love to me is about being comfortable and having fun, being able to talk to one another with no judgement or with understanding at least and making new experiences that make you a better person. I don’t know what he thinks love is supposed to be or whether he even feels what I feel. This could just be me you know.. if it is then I need to find a way to go backwards. It wouldn’t be fun having these feelings by myself. It only hurts me.. makes me confused. I feel like I don’t get enough reassurance from him. Maybe it’s because he’s not on the same page as me. Sometimes he makes me feel insecure and that is one of the worst feelings. I feel like I don’t belong or deserve him. I feel like I show more of my feelings which is sucky feeling because I think i’m starting to fall in love and like I said if it’s just me then i need to step back.
I don’t think I ask for much. Just simple reassurance or even affection. something to show me he feels the same way or just that he simply wants to be with me. Sometimes I feel like just a convenient object, that I’m just here to fill a certain void. All I want from love is elegant simplicity. Nothing over the top but big enough that will make me feel more happy than confused. I don’t know. I’ve never been truly in love and I don’t know how to approach this but all I need is confirmation, dates, anything even a kiss like you see in the movies. something elegant, something simple.
Love is piece of work and I think i’m starting to fall in love.