Love is a piece..

Hey guys!

Today has been quite the roller coaster. There has been so many emotional moments, lots of ups and downs with nothing but confusion. I’m feeling like total shit to be honest.

What do you do when your head and heart tell you different things? Which one do you follow? Which one is the one that will give you the satisfaction you want and need? It’s quite the given that I’m quite in touch with my emotions. What i mean by that is that when I feel something, I can’t stop feeling it until I appropriately deal with it whether I feel happy or sad.

Love is a probably the most powerful emotion out there. It can really make you do things that you’d never do and that is good and bad. Love makes things happen.

I’ve grown up a lot this year. i’ve been through intense stuff i would never wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy… anyways, what I wanted to talk about is the confusion on whether you know if you’re in love or not…

This sucks. What i feel is anxiety, fearfulness, sadness, downhearted but I also feel excited, hopeful, desire and happiness all at the same time. It’s like I never wanted to feel this way until I was 100% ready to want it but it happened anyway, . It’s not an easy feeling. It’s hard. I’ve actually never felt this way before and it scares the fuck out of me.

He gives me chills. He will never know that the things I do for him isn’t just me being generous and kind, but it’s because I truly want him to be happy and I’ve said this before, I truly believe he deserves it. However at the same time I question why I do the things I do because I’ve never done this before.. allowing my walls to come fully down, especially now. I question on where his head is. I don’t want things to be super serious but I don’t want things to be super easy either, like I don’t want the pressure of being in a serious relationship to stress me but he does this thing where he makes me want to make him happy. I think it’s a mixture between what I want and what I’m confused about what he wants because I don’t 100% know.

Love to me is about being comfortable and having fun, being able to talk to one another with no judgement or with understanding at least and making new experiences that make you a better person. I don’t know what he thinks love is supposed to be or whether he even feels what I feel. This could just be me you know.. if it is then I need to find a way to go backwards. It wouldn’t be fun having these feelings by myself. It only hurts me.. makes me confused. I feel like I don’t get enough reassurance from him. Maybe it’s because he’s not on the same page as me. Sometimes he makes me feel insecure and that is one of the worst feelings. I feel like I don’t belong or deserve him. I feel like I show more of my feelings which is  sucky feeling because I think i’m starting to fall in love and like I said if it’s just me then i need to step back.

I don’t think I ask for much. Just simple reassurance or even affection. something to show me he feels the same way or just that he simply wants to be with me. Sometimes I feel like just a convenient object, that I’m just here to fill a certain void. All I want from love is elegant simplicity. Nothing over the top but big enough that will make me feel more happy than confused. I don’t know. I’ve never been truly in love and I don’t know how to approach this but all I need is confirmation, dates, anything even a kiss like you see in the movies. something elegant, something simple.

Love is piece of work and I think i’m starting to fall in love.

brace yourself

xoxo Coco

Be the Boss

Hey guys,

I am truly, truly horrible. Promising I would update regularly. To be honest, I kind of forgot about this blog. I woke up today thinking I wanted to write and here I am, I remembered I have a blog.

I have a two tests this week and I haven’t really started studying for them yet. OH BTW, i took the international relations opportunity. It’s been really good so far, the only class i’m worried about is economics because quite frankly I could care less about that shit. I find myself struggling to be focused in that class. My intro to international relations class has made me realize how much conflict there is in the world and I really do want to keep my initial dream in which I want to change the world for the better. An international relations degree will allow me to travel the world and do that.

Anyways, I want to take one step at a time and post some songs that have been in my mind for a while and want to share… :)

1. Sam Smith – I’ve Told You Now

But what the hell
Why do you think I come ’round here on my free will?
Wasting all my precious time
Oh the truth spills out
And oooooo oh I’ve
I’ve told you now

This song is one of my favourite songs at the moment. I listen to it while I drive to school. I struggle with telling people my problems or feelings. I don’t like to burden people with it because I feel weak and hopeless when I reach the low. When people tell me to just tell them how I feel, I just to tell them to listen to this song because this is me in a heartbeat and how I feel all the time. I show my emotions in weird ways, I think. I’m just an awkward person. Regardless, Sam Smith’s voice is to kill for.

2. Lana Del Rey – Black Beauty

Oh, what can I do?
Life is beautiful but you don’t have a clue
Sun and ocean blue
Their magnificence, it don’t make sense to you

As i’ve said in other posts, Lana Del Rey is one of my music idol. She’s quirky, emotional and hot. Three things I love in a woman. ;) This song though lately has been hitting me right in the heart. It’s been on repeat as I study and this song reminds me that life is s beautiful and to just to take a breather and to be grateful with what I have.

3. Ella Henderson – Ghost

I keep going to the river to pray
‘Cause I need something that can wash all the pain
And at most I’m sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

Ella Henderson is only 18…let that sink in. She’s so good. SO GOOD. Anyways, this song doesn’t speak to me personally it’s just a kick ass song. I love it. Such a good song to listen to when you’re on the road going home after a long day. She’s going to be big. I hope she will. she’s freaking amazing.

4. Justin Timberlake – Not a Bad Thing

So don’t act like it’s a bad thing to fall in love with me
‘Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true, with me
Spent all your time and your money just to find out that my love was free

Do I have to write something about this? I just love this song and I love Justin. this may or may not be relevant in my life though haha…ha…

5. Iggy Azalea & Rita Ora – Black Widow

This twisted cat and mouse game always starts the same
First we’re both down to play then somehow you go astray
We went from nothing to something, liking to loving
It was us against the world and now we just fucking
It’s like I loved you so much and now I just hate you
Feeling stupid for all the time that I gave you
I wanted all or nothing for us ain’t no place in between

song about bad heartbreak. count me in. :) love iggy xox

xoxo

Coco

This is what makes us girls

We all look for heaven and we put our love first
Somethin’ that we’d die for, it’s our curse
Don’t cry about it, don’t cry about it

It’s a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply.

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Rewind + Pre-Birthday Thoughts!

Hey guys,

The past few months has been so busy, so crazy and just so progressive! In one of the earlier posts I said that I wanted to start over with this blog and I’m going to stick to that.

So today is going be another quick and fun questionnaire because 1. I’m super hungover and 2. I can’t think properly today then followed with some birthday thoughts as I will be turning 21 soon :)

  1. What is your favourite form of exercise? sitting on a couch but if I really had to pick one it would be biking because you’re still practically sitting down
  2. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do? Pulling a Ross Geller and going with investing at least 80% of the money right away. However, I would totally travel with the money (Greece and South Africa!) and of course donate!
  3. What do you miss most about being a kid? Absolutely everything. Especially waking up early on Saturday mornings to watch scooby doo and eating chocolate oatmeal for breakfast
  4. Which of the 5 senses would you say is your strongest? definitely not hearing. I would go with smell because I know what people have eaten based on their toots. Try me and don’t mess with my talent
  5. Have you ever heard any outstanding rumours about yourself? In grade 7 someone told me that this guy was telling everyone that he and I showered together…mmmm you know how scandalous that became 
  6. What is your dream job, and why? My dream job would be to be a writer and creator of a tv drama like Grey’s Anatomy. I’d be killer.
  7. What fairy tale princess would you most associate with? Belle because I want to end up with a Beast who I know will ensure my happiness 
  8. What language would you like to master? Spanish! or Italian!
  9. What are the 3 things that make you most happy right now? Drake pick up lines, Nicholas Cage photos and watching people silly string strangers 
  10. What is your love language? Quality time, hands down. nothing better than just talking and laughing. Other than dessert dates that is. I love me my white chocolate brownie.

<3

<3




Pre-Birthday 

In 48 hours I will be 21! depending when I finish, it could be 24 haha. Alot of has changed since I was 18. I used to think I was so mature at 18. Trying so hard to be sophisticated to adults and wanting so bad to fit in. However, I’ve realized and my friends have confirmed that my maturity level hasn’t changed since I was in junior high. That was 6 years ago hahaha. I’m still really weird and I don’t think that will ever change. If I do have kids, they’ll either be really grateful that they have a cool mom or wish they’ll wish they were never born. 

Birthdays aren’t really that exciting anymore. Is that an adult thing? I feel like it is. People dread becoming older? Am I right?Like I’m always so happy, weeks before my birthday but when it gets closer I just don’t care for it. If anyone knows me they know that I like to celebrate my birthday early.

I’ve actually celebrated it twice already. I’ve gotten two cakes, several presents and lots of hugs and kisses. All while looking so so sexy. Just kidding.

I really am grateful for having people who care about me though to my friends and family and to that someone who admittedly I’ll say who is special in my life. THANKS! aka I’m a middle child so getting this kind of attention is something rare. It is like leap year. only comes every 4 years. Not kidding. 

21 is a big milestone though. I remember when I 16 in the hospital planning a big extravaganza for my 21st! What do I have planned? nothing. Just dinner with my girls with like at least 3-4 tequila shots.I feel like I should do something exciting! I’m still young. Why do I feel so old right now. I have the face of a 10 year old, the mind of a 21 year old and the body of an 80 year old. I literally am an adult baby senior. 

Turning 21 makes me nervous and so excited. Finally to be able to drink anywhere I go but knowing in 4 years I’ll be 25. Like holy fuck. I need to get my priorities straight asap. Get my degree or diploma, get my career started, move the fuck out and marry Jimmy Fallon.

I just don’t know where to start. I mean marrying Jimmy is the easiest choice, wouldn’t need a career. I’d gladly be his trophy wife, his entourage, his life partner, his muse. his rock.

Anyways, I’m headed to bed because I am an adult baby senior and middle child needs her beauty sleep. I’ll try better with updating too. 

xo Coco 

P.s. If Jimmy Fallon doesn’t work out. I’d settle for Conan too. 

P.s.s Just kidding more like Jay Leno.

 

Sleep Paralysis

Hey guys!

Sorry I haven’t been updating as much before. It’s been a pretty wild few weeks!

So I’m here in Toronto visiting my sister, who will be escorting me as my date to a wedding we were invited to in Georgia! I’m so excited. However that’s not what I want to talk about tonight.

It’s almost 3 am here and about 20-30 minutes ago. I experienced sleep paralysis.

According to google, sleep paralysis is described as…

A frightening form of paralysis that occurs when a person suddenly finds himself or herself unable to move for a few minutes, most often upon falling asleep or waking up.

Now I experience them often. It’s a very, very unfortunate thing. It starts off as a normal dream. Somehow in the middle of it I start to wake up and it’s like my normal dream turns into a nightmare but escapes my mind and become physically in the world. My eyes usually start to open at this point and then I literally see the nightmare right infront of me but I can’t move anything or scream for help. It’s basically like Freddy Kruger trying to kill me.

Good thing is, I’ve learned to control my fear in these. I know I’m dreaming and it’s not real so I’ve found myself being able to control my fear and it all lea away so quick.

However, tonight I just experienced my worst SP yet. In my normal SP, I’d only feel a negative presence that’s on my chest. Like a ghost on my chest but I know it’s fake so it would be easy for me to fully wake up from it.

But tonight, I mean, I fully saw this “ghost” she was evil. She was a murdered person. She wanted me to feel whatever she went through. She started by screaming. Like I never heard anything like this. I was telling myself “okay Hannah, you’re just dreaming. You’ll be okay. Just ride it out” but even those weren’t working. She left me alone for a bit and I thought it was over. However, a few mins later. Still couldn’t move, I started my legs being dragged towards my sister who is sleeping beside me. I could feel my legs pulling apart slowly and I couldn’t do anything about.. Man that’s when I started to freak out. Freaking out during sleep paralysis intensifies your experience and I knew that so again I wa trying to stop thinking that this was really happening

So this time, I started thinking about this person who can make me feel safe and calm at the same time real fast but that went to shits real quick as the image of him started to fade into the girls face.

My eyes are opened the whole time mind you but I couldn’t move my head to see this girl drag me towards my sister. I also never experienced movement like this during an SP episode. I tried yelling for my sisters name but she started to become demonic and chant a weird hex on me like something bad. SP episodes usually consists of demonic like things., so again I knew that I wasn’t really experiencing this but it was just my dream In real life. Suddenly I found myself being able to move and realized this episode was over. I stood up sweating and crying a bit. Looked over to my sister and I knew I was okay.

Anyways I wanted share that because that was truly scary. Wouldn’t wish anyone to experience an SP episode.

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The image above is what a SP episode feels like. You’re sleeping, yet awake enough and it feels like something is in your room with you. It’s not fun.

Anyways I’m going to try to get back to sleep lol. Had to write it to remember it.

If anyone else experiences sleep paralysis and has had Intense episodes. Please let me know and tell me how you deal with it.

‘Till next time

Xoxo CoCo

Early morning thoughts: energy and the universe

Hey guys,

So it’s been a few days since I’ve written on here and there’s a reason for it. I’ve taken a few days to just let everything I’ve learned from this retreat/mini escapade to settle in and make sense with my environment.

It may be too early to tell with some people but personally I’ve already seen a change in myself. I find myself evaluating my thoughts and feelings, making sure there always positive and content and not worrying anxiously and doubtful about the future. Like I said in the last post, life is about enjoying the moment and not taking everything so personally.

I know there will be days where it will be difficult but with this reformed energy and thinking I know that I can maintain it.

I’ve become even more spiritual than I was before. I’m very interested in the how the universe works with our energies. It’s amazing how the universe connects everyone and how thoughts affect everything.

I read in a book that I’m reading that everyone one of us is simply energy and like the laws of energy… It cannot be created or destroyed. Our energies is in constant motions, it never rests and that energy follows thought. This means that what ever you think: positive or negative, happy or sad, hopeful or hopeless that is what you’ll get in return and this shapes how your life will be lived. It’s by a simple thought. Something so easy to change.

We are all connected somehow either by the internet, social media and just having basic emotions. All of these things uses and needs energy. It takes energy to feel compassion, to move our fingers when texting or using the internet and to watch the news.

So it’s important that you create a positive and fulfilling life in which can help you become a better person as well as inspire or encourage people who have trouble with creating positive energy. People and everything around that has life like animals or plants can feel other energies. Just imagine releasing a light within yourself and simply smiling or believing everything will be ok.

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. All it takes is patience which is another important aspect with energy and the universe. Desire is the planting seed and which can create passion and dreams. Whatever you want I believe will be felt in the universe and know that things will align soon.

I will be creating a vision board and a t chart. I will be putting what I want in life: my passions, my dreams, what I want in the future. Take your time to think about what you want. Clarity is power.

After all, it’s your life. Don’t forget to let loose and have fun. :) do something that has always scared you or something you don’t do often like getting a tattoo, jumping out of a plane or simply telling a friend, a family member/significant other you love them.

No regrets. No fear.

Xo CoCo <3

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Starting Over

Hey guys,

This week has been so eye-opening. I’ve learned so much about life. I’ve learned so much about myself and energy and the power positive thinking.

I wanted to use this post as a start of something new. I’ve been using this blog so wrong. I’ve realized I’ve used this blog to reveal negative thoughts, unnecessary “secrets”, using this place as a place to hide even more from the truth and others. It was fear.

There is no need for a blog to be a place for revealing EVERYTHING. The thing I learned this trip so far is that no one needs to know everything. You are in control of your thoughts, problems and you need to deal with them yourself with a positive attitude! I also learned that people don’t care as much as we think we do. I’ve been so worried about how to please others and never took the time to put myself first. I never realized how much focus I put on others to make me happy. I relied on others to give me happiness
When In reality, all you really need is a positive energy to help you through the struggles of life.

We are all connected. We are connected through the universe and our energies work with what we give and what we give is what we receive from them. Everything you see happening is the consequence of what which you are

However I think the most important thing I’ve learned is the concept of letting go of the past. I’ve held so much anger towards my negative experiences. I’ve been holding on to the sadness of it all. I’m ready to let everything go. So this a start of it…

I want to apologize to people I’ve hurt in the last couple of months. Whether it’s people I’ve known forever or people I just met. If I hurt you with my actions or words, I really am sorry. I hope you realize that part of me was a dark period and I’m on the path of where I was before everything happened. I know it takes more than an apology. I also know that you may or may not accept it. For once, I am doing this for me because as I said it before I am ready to move on and it’s now up to you guys on whether you still want me in your lives. Don’t worry about me and just think about your feelings and thoughts. In the end, this is your life. You do what you gotta do.

This blog is now going to be different.

I’ve stopped relying on others to make my decisions and I know I’m strong enough to make my own decisions on what I want. I’m going to tackle on that wall of fear that I’ve put up and conquer it. Everything you want is on the other side of fear and I know what I want.

Also I’m ready to just enjoy life and enjoy the moment and not worry about the future as I have before. Memories and experience is what makes life what it is. I’m ready to be have fun and be that adventurous person I know I am!

Welcome to cocoparadise 2.0

And I wish everyone a motivating, fun and kick ass weekend.

Xo CoCo

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