We all look for heaven and we put our love first
Somethin’ that we’d die for, it’s our curse
Don’t cry about it, don’t cry about it
It’s a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply.
The past few months has been so busy, so crazy and just so progressive! In one of the earlier posts I said that I wanted to start over with this blog and I’m going to stick to that.
So today is going be another quick and fun questionnaire because 1. I’m super hungover and 2. I can’t think properly today then followed with some birthday thoughts as I will be turning 21 soon :)
In 48 hours I will be 21! depending when I finish, it could be 24 haha. Alot of has changed since I was 18. I used to think I was so mature at 18. Trying so hard to be sophisticated to adults and wanting so bad to fit in. However, I’ve realized and my friends have confirmed that my maturity level hasn’t changed since I was in junior high. That was 6 years ago hahaha. I’m still really weird and I don’t think that will ever change. If I do have kids, they’ll either be really grateful that they have a cool mom or wish they’ll wish they were never born.
Birthdays aren’t really that exciting anymore. Is that an adult thing? I feel like it is. People dread becoming older? Am I right?Like I’m always so happy, weeks before my birthday but when it gets closer I just don’t care for it. If anyone knows me they know that I like to celebrate my birthday early.
I’ve actually celebrated it twice already. I’ve gotten two cakes, several presents and lots of hugs and kisses. All while looking so so sexy. Just kidding.
I really am grateful for having people who care about me though to my friends and family and to that someone who admittedly I’ll say who is special in my life. THANKS! aka I’m a middle child so getting this kind of attention is something rare. It is like leap year. only comes every 4 years. Not kidding.
21 is a big milestone though. I remember when I 16 in the hospital planning a big extravaganza for my 21st! What do I have planned? nothing. Just dinner with my girls with like at least 3-4 tequila shots.I feel like I should do something exciting! I’m still young. Why do I feel so old right now. I have the face of a 10 year old, the mind of a 21 year old and the body of an 80 year old. I literally am an adult baby senior.
Turning 21 makes me nervous and so excited. Finally to be able to drink anywhere I go but knowing in 4 years I’ll be 25. Like holy fuck. I need to get my priorities straight asap. Get my degree or diploma, get my career started, move the fuck out and marry Jimmy Fallon.
I just don’t know where to start. I mean marrying Jimmy is the easiest choice, wouldn’t need a career. I’d gladly be his trophy wife, his entourage, his life partner, his muse. his rock.
Anyways, I’m headed to bed because I am an adult baby senior and middle child needs her beauty sleep. I’ll try better with updating too.
P.s. If Jimmy Fallon doesn’t work out. I’d settle for Conan too.
P.s.s Just kidding more like Jay Leno.
Sorry I haven’t been updating as much before. It’s been a pretty wild few weeks!
So I’m here in Toronto visiting my sister, who will be escorting me as my date to a wedding we were invited to in Georgia! I’m so excited. However that’s not what I want to talk about tonight.
It’s almost 3 am here and about 20-30 minutes ago. I experienced sleep paralysis.
According to google, sleep paralysis is described as…
A frightening form of paralysis that occurs when a person suddenly finds himself or herself unable to move for a few minutes, most often upon falling asleep or waking up.
Now I experience them often. It’s a very, very unfortunate thing. It starts off as a normal dream. Somehow in the middle of it I start to wake up and it’s like my normal dream turns into a nightmare but escapes my mind and become physically in the world. My eyes usually start to open at this point and then I literally see the nightmare right infront of me but I can’t move anything or scream for help. It’s basically like Freddy Kruger trying to kill me.
Good thing is, I’ve learned to control my fear in these. I know I’m dreaming and it’s not real so I’ve found myself being able to control my fear and it all lea away so quick.
However, tonight I just experienced my worst SP yet. In my normal SP, I’d only feel a negative presence that’s on my chest. Like a ghost on my chest but I know it’s fake so it would be easy for me to fully wake up from it.
But tonight, I mean, I fully saw this “ghost” she was evil. She was a murdered person. She wanted me to feel whatever she went through. She started by screaming. Like I never heard anything like this. I was telling myself “okay Hannah, you’re just dreaming. You’ll be okay. Just ride it out” but even those weren’t working. She left me alone for a bit and I thought it was over. However, a few mins later. Still couldn’t move, I started my legs being dragged towards my sister who is sleeping beside me. I could feel my legs pulling apart slowly and I couldn’t do anything about.. Man that’s when I started to freak out. Freaking out during sleep paralysis intensifies your experience and I knew that so again I wa trying to stop thinking that this was really happening
So this time, I started thinking about this person who can make me feel safe and calm at the same time real fast but that went to shits real quick as the image of him started to fade into the girls face.
My eyes are opened the whole time mind you but I couldn’t move my head to see this girl drag me towards my sister. I also never experienced movement like this during an SP episode. I tried yelling for my sisters name but she started to become demonic and chant a weird hex on me like something bad. SP episodes usually consists of demonic like things., so again I knew that I wasn’t really experiencing this but it was just my dream In real life. Suddenly I found myself being able to move and realized this episode was over. I stood up sweating and crying a bit. Looked over to my sister and I knew I was okay.
Anyways I wanted share that because that was truly scary. Wouldn’t wish anyone to experience an SP episode.
The image above is what a SP episode feels like. You’re sleeping, yet awake enough and it feels like something is in your room with you. It’s not fun.
Anyways I’m going to try to get back to sleep lol. Had to write it to remember it.
If anyone else experiences sleep paralysis and has had Intense episodes. Please let me know and tell me how you deal with it.
‘Till next time
So it’s been a few days since I’ve written on here and there’s a reason for it. I’ve taken a few days to just let everything I’ve learned from this retreat/mini escapade to settle in and make sense with my environment.
It may be too early to tell with some people but personally I’ve already seen a change in myself. I find myself evaluating my thoughts and feelings, making sure there always positive and content and not worrying anxiously and doubtful about the future. Like I said in the last post, life is about enjoying the moment and not taking everything so personally.
I know there will be days where it will be difficult but with this reformed energy and thinking I know that I can maintain it.
I’ve become even more spiritual than I was before. I’m very interested in the how the universe works with our energies. It’s amazing how the universe connects everyone and how thoughts affect everything.
I read in a book that I’m reading that everyone one of us is simply energy and like the laws of energy… It cannot be created or destroyed. Our energies is in constant motions, it never rests and that energy follows thought. This means that what ever you think: positive or negative, happy or sad, hopeful or hopeless that is what you’ll get in return and this shapes how your life will be lived. It’s by a simple thought. Something so easy to change.
We are all connected somehow either by the internet, social media and just having basic emotions. All of these things uses and needs energy. It takes energy to feel compassion, to move our fingers when texting or using the internet and to watch the news.
So it’s important that you create a positive and fulfilling life in which can help you become a better person as well as inspire or encourage people who have trouble with creating positive energy. People and everything around that has life like animals or plants can feel other energies. Just imagine releasing a light within yourself and simply smiling or believing everything will be ok.
All that we are is the result of what we have thought. All it takes is patience which is another important aspect with energy and the universe. Desire is the planting seed and which can create passion and dreams. Whatever you want I believe will be felt in the universe and know that things will align soon.
I will be creating a vision board and a t chart. I will be putting what I want in life: my passions, my dreams, what I want in the future. Take your time to think about what you want. Clarity is power.
After all, it’s your life. Don’t forget to let loose and have fun. :) do something that has always scared you or something you don’t do often like getting a tattoo, jumping out of a plane or simply telling a friend, a family member/significant other you love them.
No regrets. No fear.
Xo CoCo <3
This week has been so eye-opening. I’ve learned so much about life. I’ve learned so much about myself and energy and the power positive thinking.
I wanted to use this post as a start of something new. I’ve been using this blog so wrong. I’ve realized I’ve used this blog to reveal negative thoughts, unnecessary “secrets”, using this place as a place to hide even more from the truth and others. It was fear.
There is no need for a blog to be a place for revealing EVERYTHING. The thing I learned this trip so far is that no one needs to know everything. You are in control of your thoughts, problems and you need to deal with them yourself with a positive attitude! I also learned that people don’t care as much as we think we do. I’ve been so worried about how to please others and never took the time to put myself first. I never realized how much focus I put on others to make me happy. I relied on others to give me happiness
When In reality, all you really need is a positive energy to help you through the struggles of life.
We are all connected. We are connected through the universe and our energies work with what we give and what we give is what we receive from them. Everything you see happening is the consequence of what which you are
However I think the most important thing I’ve learned is the concept of letting go of the past. I’ve held so much anger towards my negative experiences. I’ve been holding on to the sadness of it all. I’m ready to let everything go. So this a start of it…
I want to apologize to people I’ve hurt in the last couple of months. Whether it’s people I’ve known forever or people I just met. If I hurt you with my actions or words, I really am sorry. I hope you realize that part of me was a dark period and I’m on the path of where I was before everything happened. I know it takes more than an apology. I also know that you may or may not accept it. For once, I am doing this for me because as I said it before I am ready to move on and it’s now up to you guys on whether you still want me in your lives. Don’t worry about me and just think about your feelings and thoughts. In the end, this is your life. You do what you gotta do.
This blog is now going to be different.
I’ve stopped relying on others to make my decisions and I know I’m strong enough to make my own decisions on what I want. I’m going to tackle on that wall of fear that I’ve put up and conquer it. Everything you want is on the other side of fear and I know what I want.
Also I’m ready to just enjoy life and enjoy the moment and not worry about the future as I have before. Memories and experience is what makes life what it is. I’m ready to be have fun and be that adventurous person I know I am!
Welcome to cocoparadise 2.0
And I wish everyone a motivating, fun and kick ass weekend.
I can’t believe it’s already July. This year has gone by so fast, the older you get the more you realize how fast months go by, It’s crazy.
In a few hours, I’ll be in beautiful British Columbia. Specifically, Half Moon Bay. Some people are probably really confused on my plans. I know it’s been confusing and crazy and sudden. Just imagine how I feel! It’s been exhausting yet really exciting.
I’ve said in previous posts how I have a hard time with the truth, how I don’t like to show my real emotions and how I bottle things up until I pop. Another thing I’ve said before is that I’m a person who thinks a lot and about everything and anything. I can get so lost in my thoughts that sometimes I forget I’m breathing. There’s just so many questions out there that are unanswered and I want them answered. It’s a leo thing, I think.
I’m writing this to face a fear. It’s time to get everything straightened out. Let’s rock & roll.
Okay.. So, the truth. ahhhhhhhhhh the truth. let us all ahhh together.
A few months ago, I had a major nervous breakdown. I hit my personal low. No one knows about this, not even my best friend or family knows about this.
I have a hard time talking about it because I find it really embarrassing and humiliating. Why?
Well, look at my life. There’s nothing wrong with it. My family is amazing, I have the best parents a child could ask for. I have two amazing siblings who I can count on. I go to a really good school that I am lucky to attend and I have a job that makes me feel important.,
However, there was something in my life that happened to me a few months ago. A horrible memory and no, it wasn’t my car accident. The constant thought of it hindered everything in my life. It changed me. My thinking of my life turned from happy, grateful normal Hannah to confused, angry and anxious Hannah.
It began with school, I felt rushed like there was a deadline for everything. Then in my family, I felt the pressure from my parents to be the best because they sacrificed everything for their kids, Then with relationships, I wanted to make everyone in my life happy and wanted so bad for people to like me and look at me and say “That girl is doing everything right, she’s an inspiration”
It was an emotional and mental struggle with wanting my life to be perfect vs the reality of what my life was heading towards.
I do not want to go into detail yet regarding my breakdown. I’m not 100% ready to talk about it but I know I will eventually.
All I can say is that having this breakdown scared me shitless, I was lucky… I literally looked in a mirror after I calmed and said “What the fuck are you doing, Hannah. You know better” I promised myself that I will do better. Go back to that Hannah that everyone knew.
I’ve told numerous people that Calgary isn’t my home anymore and that I’ve done everything I could here. However, I don’t know if that’s really true. I feel like I said that because I was trying to run away from myself and the problems. I was lying to all of you guys and I’m truly sorry.
So I don’t know If i’m 100% moving but I don’t know if I’m 100% staying.
The truth is, I’m going to BC for a retreat. A place where I can truly focus on myself and not have external factors be a distraction. I can honestly say I think this will help me, I won’t have my phone and no internet to help me run away from my problems.
As much as I hate what happened to me and how much I blame myself for putting myself in that situation it happened and I have to deal with it.
I spent these few months a pretty miserable person. I really hid that part well because like I said what happened to me is something I find humiliating. I tried so hard to fill a void in my heart that has been taken away from me and I’ve hurt people in the process, that sucks the most.
This retreat I won’t have any contact whatsoever so I won’t be uploading any posts for the next few days. I will be bringing a journal and I hope to share my experiences once I’m ready. Fingers crossed guys I really am going to need it. I’m genuinely going to miss this community and miss my friends and family. Xoxoxo hope I won’t be missing too much.
‘Till next time
Hey guys, I’m so tired. Today has been such a long, hot day. I’ve been cleaning the whole day and I just came back from playing some kick ass basketball and now I can’t sleep. So what do I decide to do? Write on here!
When I am not over at a friends house sleeping over, I have an extensive nightly routine that I must follow. It goes like this: put hair in bun, clean face, brush teeth, face mask, tend eyebrows, mouthwash, stretch, meditate, if in mood write on blog and must listen to my night songs before I sleep. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I am the lightest sleeper ever as well as someone who can’t sleep right away.
I have several songs I need to listen to in order to have a good nights rest. No one knows about this but It’s a gooder. Remember a good nights rest = Happy, happy Hannah. So here are some of the top songs I usually listen to before I sleep. I have a lot more but these lucky ones are the ones I’ve been listening to lately.
1. The Beatles – Let It Be
Are you surprised? Of course I’m putting a Beatles song on here! This song is great when you’ve had a horrible day, especially a frustrating day like if nothing went your way. This song has helped me take away a lot of anger or sadness I’ve experienced during the day and that has carried on until it’s bed time. It’s calming and just reminds you that you just need to let things go and let whatever worries you be because there is always an answer, even if its not clear or right in your face at first.
2. Lana Del Rey – Gods & Monsters
I know that the first thing people are going to say is “This song Hannah, Really?!” I feel like this song is highly underrated for a Lana Del Rey song. Why I listen to this song before bed is because the lyrics are so relate-able. I listen to this song and it reminds me that no matter what I do, life is screwed up and we just have to live day by day and deal with the problems we have straight on. Personally, this song also speaks a lot about my confusion in life and my views or relationship I have with religion. So it’s good to know that someone literally wrote how I felt. Love you Lana.
3. Coldplay – The Scientist
This by far is not only a song I must listen to before bed but one of my favourite songs ever. When I listen to this song before I sleep, It just tears me up. Another song to listen to when you’ve had a bad, emotional day. It’s about loss and keeping things bottled up (which I do) and that could range from a failed relationship, self defeat to death of a loved one. This song just speaks the truth about the adversity of feeling lost, helpless, confusion, etc. Questions you ask yourself won’t give you a black and white answer all the time but a grey area which can suck sometimes.
4. Drake – Over
I absolutely love Drake. I have the biggest crush on this guy and I don’t know why. This was the first song I ever heard from him and I just need to listen to this song before I sleep. It’s motivating and it’s like a big fuck you to the world for being fucking awesome. Whenever I’ve had a good day and looking to forward to the next day this is definitely the song I listen to. This also helps me when I’m super, super nervous, excited or anxious about something that is happening the next day. Don’t laugh at me but when I need to do a presentation in front of like 100 students I will listen to this song the night before. A confidence booster for sure.
5. Damien Rice – Volcano
I adore this song. It’s a song that I listen to with my mediation. Just like Coldplay this song is about the frustrations. However this is more aimed towards volatile relationships. This song helped me go through my first heartbreak when I would be up all night thinking on whether the decision the guy and I made was right or not. However as time went on this song always reminds me to check myself. It reminds me to make sure the decisions I make are the right ones for me in the present and the future. The music is haunting and the emotions in this song are so raw. It’s a great song. You can’t help but put it on repeat.
+ Honourable mention
Eminem – Space Bound
This whole song is just fucking genius. Like Lana, he just totally wrote how I can feel sometimes. If I had his creativity I’d be so happy. All I’m going to say is listen to this song. One of his best songs hands down. If you’ve ever had a relationship that’s either been one-sided or been in a relationship where you’ve been played, betrayed or hurt his is the song to listen to.
As you can see, I love all music. I don;t have a type. I’m just over the place with music, I’m an easy pleaser when it comes to it. These 5 songs are very special to me and I hope you guys take a moment to listen to them! I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.
This post not only made me really sleepy but made me appreciate my routine. I’m so happy right now. Music is life.
’till next time xoxo CoCo
P.S if you guys have any song recommendation, feel free to hit me up! :) I love when people show me new things!